Dear Mina; Back to Work?

I have spent my weekend filling out job applications. Is it time to return to work?

Before Mina was born I couldn’t work for two years, my body and mind was broken and I needed a rest. Then after a while a weird sensation sets in, fear. I began to become fearful of working. My last job was supporting adults with complex needs, which was a demanding job. My endo was extreme at that point and at points, my was crying all night in pain and then trying to drag my painful body out of bed and get ready for work. I was taking so many pain meds to get me to work that it wasn’t safe for me to drive to work. So it is natural that you become fearful that will happen again.

But now, thanks to having Mina, my endo has calmed down so I think I might be able to handle it. Yet, what if it comes back? My mind is clearer now, I haven’t got the brain fog from pain, mentally I would enjoy working. One of the reasons I love writing this blog.

The biggest new fear is leaving Mina. Giving up my special time with her. I know a lot of mum’s go back to work when their little one is 9-12 months and I feel so blessed to have this time with her. But it is getting to the point money is getting tight from month to month and planning for the future, we simply need more income. But one of the crazy elements, is you have to make sure you earn enough that you can pay for nursery and have the extra you need. There is simply no point going to work just earn enough to pay someone else to look after Mina. They have to pretty dam special to take my place everyday.

How do women juggle this? Dealing with mum guilt? Time management?

I know Mina will probably enjoy it, she loves to make friends, no stranger danger, which is a pro and a con.

Another fear is, they will ask about my time off, how do I explain my endo without being discriminated against? To explain endo to a possible boss, a male boss? For them to have a complete understanding? And to get through the idea they might have, how can this woman commit when she has a chronic illness and a toddler? Who is going to hire me?

Life is not simple when you have a chronic illness, an invisible illness. Then add Mum to a 19 month old toddler to the mix.

Also I haven’t mentioned a lot, but I am also dyslexic. So I have to put that on the form, and I have been discriminated in the past due to my dyslexia. So yeah, chronic illness (with years out of work), mum to toddler and a disability, dyslexia (which I don’t think is a disability overall for me personally, I have embraced it.) Who the hell is going to hire that?? I need a four leaf clover and any other lucky charms you might have.

To be honest, Ideally I would love to stay at home with Mina and earn pennies doing things that I love, like this blog. But it’s not that simple. And a part of my brain does miss working in education.

I think the only thing you can do is break through the fear and apply. Try and get to the interview stage and wow them. So that is what I am doing. Wish me luck.

Any advice, leave them in the comments below.

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