It might sound like the most obvious and simple concept to breathe but somehow I forget. Not in the actual sense but in the sense of giving yourself time and space. To be honest its not a selfish concept either, for your mental health it is vital and yet for some reason in some cultures it is seen as a self importance idea.
Before Mina came in to my life, I was struggling with my physical health. To an outsider I had all the time in the world as I had stopped working at this point. But in reality I was in too much pain to focus on much. I did manage to write a book, I found I could only focus on one thing at a time, that and knitting my own personal therapy. Writing gave me an outlet, a place I could escape to away from the pain. However on my worse days, the only thing I could do was to curl up in a ball and put all my strength in to breathing.
Having Mina is the single best thing that has happened to my life but I struggle to find time to breathe. Especially now that I am working. My mind and time are torn between Mina, work, keeping house, bills, health and outside drama. I am guessing most parents find this. That little nugget of time you had before the kids, where you could focus on you and something that made you sing, suddenly disappears. And my question is how do you get it back? Some people might not like to admit it but we all need that little nugget of time to just breathe and that’s ok. We give all our time and energy to everyone else, taking care of everything around us but we forget to take care of our selves. And it make complete sense, if we just keep giving out and don’t take time to replenish, we are going to crash, become ill and not be able to look after anything or anyone. The hardest part though is to admit it out loud, “I need this time for me” or to ask for time. Because you fear the response, the ultimate question we hate as parents, “Why? Are you not coping?”
That’s the thing, you are coping with juggling parenthood, work, bills, house and anything else people are placing on your shoulders. But we are only human. At some point it becomes too much if you don’t take the time to do something you love, gardening, walking, music, writing, knitting, a nap, painting. Your world is not going to fall apart for a couple of hours. You are not about to become a terrible parent if you request an hour to yourself. But if you don’t it could. Driving yourself towards mental and physical exhaustion could transform in to a mental crash, resentment, depression, stress, physical health conditions. If you find your not coping, that’s ok but ask for help.
Why is HELP such a taboo word? Why do we fear asking for it? Why do we fear the judgement when we do?
For me personally I have felt judged from a child to an adult and a voice that doesn’t seem worthy of listening to. So if I ask for help, I have a mountain of fear crashing down on me, my demons come out to play and the words don’t come out. I become angry at the judgement I think I will face. Recently I have faced that judgement without asking for help. I won’t go into detail but since my house was messy, I wasn’t coping. If I can’t cope with one child, I shouldn’t have another. Instead of seeing the whole picture and understanding what is going on, I got judgement. No, how can we help? Only shame. Who are they to judge me? That is why we are afraid to ask for help. Yes the house was messy, but I have a two year old (do I need to say more), a job, a health condition and a internal family matter. And when I do have naptime two days a week, I spend time on me, instead of cleaning the house. I just clean as I go. To be honest I find if I don’t have that two hours of complete and utter peace of alone time at least once a week, I can feel myself become low, so I take that time; recharge. And I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Now life is moving forward again, the house is sparking clean and I am taking time to write during naptime. But when your struggling to find time to breathe, life is hard, its ok to just focus on the most important aspects, your loved ones especially the tiny ones and you, everything else will slowly work themselves out. Just breathe.
Me, You and Mina 